Gender roles in marriage

I read this article in the New York Times with great interest, as family and gender is an issue about which I am rather passionate.

Much of what the article touches on is the inequity in the amount of house work two fully employed partners do at home. The results discussed in the article suggest that when both a husband and a wife are employed full time, women still end up spending twice as much time as men on housework. (For same sex couples, this disparity does not exist). It then goes into some of the implications about why that is the case, and it really got me thinking.

Calvin and I try and split things 50/50 as much as possible. But my job (full time grad student, part time instructor) is a lot more flexible than his job is (8-5 in IT). This is especially true in the summer, when I work as a research assistant and am working on my own research- I can pretty much work whenever I want to, so long as it all gets done.

As a result of this flexibility, I end up being the one who takes care of a lot of stuff around the house. Granted, when it is the last 6 weeks of a term, Calvin pretty much takes over all of the household chores (cooking, cleaning and laundry), but that's only 3 months out of the year. The rest of the time, I tend to do more of the cooking and the cleaning- because I'd rather do dishes when he's at work and spend time with him when he's at home than have him wash the dishes when he's home.

Down the line, though, this set pattern could be problematic. We've talked about raising a family, and have decided that if we could afford to have one parent stay home, it would be Calvin. But I'm not sure how well that would work out, since we sometimes have different views of what it means for a chore to be completed. (Case in point: laundry. Calvin "does laundry" and leaves it in the dryer downstairs. I "do laundry" and makes sure to bring it upstairs, and do my best to fold it and put it away in a timely manner.) The whole Calvin staying at home idea was also based on the assumption that I would, after grad school, have greater earning power than him (and we'll see if that actually happens.)

Both of us really want the division of labor to be equitable (and we are continually saying "thank you" when the other person takes care of one of the chores), but sometimes it doesn't really feel that way. But I feel like I don't have much of a right to complain about it, as I don't really have any suggestions for how to make it "equal."

How do you divide the labor in your household? If you could change it, how would you?

shhhhh...it's a secret

In the process of blogging about the wedding, it turns out that quite a number of guests have started reading the blog. (Hi everyone- I can't wait to see you in a few weeks!) As a result, there are a handful of things that I'm super excited about but can't yet post about, as it will ruin some of the surprise. (Fear not- I will blog about everything in full detail after the wedding.)

I know I'm not the only one who has some things being kept on the down low, but assuming Weddingbee is primarily trafficked by brides to be (and not interested guests), I think it's safe to ask the following question.

What secret surprises do you have planned for your wedding?

Help!

With six weeks to go, things were looking pretty good. We'd sent the invitations, were working on the last details with the florist, sent our rings to be engraved- in short, we'd taken care of a lot of things. Same with 5 weeks to go- we ordered our guestbook, finalized some of the gifts for the bridal party, wrote shower thank you notes- and life seemed manageable. There were quite a lot of things left to do, but since classes have ended for the term, once my students' exams are graded next week, I'll be on summer break, giving me plenty of time to take care of the last things.

Cue yesterday.

For reasons completely unrelated to the wedding, the 4 weeks of summer break that I thought I would get has vanished, as things somewhat outside of my control have now inundated me with a ton of work to do. (Basically, my second comprehensive exam for my PhD is a paper defense. I thought I had the paper in good shape, but it turns out it needs a ton of work. Basically, I need to rework my entire paper in a different framework. I need to take the exam before the wedding, which gives me 2.5 weeks to redo the paper.)

Totally manageable, especially since classes have ended for the term, except that I am getting married in a month. Enter panic.

What have you done to keep things under control?

The thoughts of an illustrious professor

I had a meeting with a professor this afternoon about my possible dissertation topic, and when I might finish my prospectus (i.e. dissertation proposal.) I casually mentioned that I would either finish it in April, or at the end of the summer, but the month of May was basically out because I'm getting married.

And then he started telling me about his wedding, and balancing families' desires versus the desires of the bride and groom.

(This was a very bizarre situation, because while I like this professor a lot, he's not generally the type to make too much small talk, especially about the more personal sorts of issues.)

He said, "Weddings aren't really about the bride and groom at all. Weddings are about the families."

I'm inclined to agree with him, since it seems like so much of our wedding is to please or satisfy our families. Even though both of us are really happy with how the planning is doing, if it had totally, 100% completely been left up to us, there are some things we would have changed. But I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Do you agree with the statement "Weddings aren't really about the bride and groom at all. Weddings are about the families"? Why or why not?

"Calvin and Meg's Fun Day!"

We were out to dinner this past weekend with some friends of ours, and the topic of our upcoming wedding came up.

They decided that we are not having a wedding, but rather are having "Calvin and Meg's Fun Day!"

Necessities for "Calvin and Meg's Fun Day!" include the following:

Cotton Candy

Moonwalk

Balloon Animals

Funnel Cakes and Elephant Ears

Dunk Tank- imagine the "trash the dress" possibilities!

Other necessities would be pony rides and a petting zoo.

The honest truth is, for some time we did speculate how all of this would work for our hotel ballroom reception- and we decided that the ponies might have some difficulty with the stairs. Nevertheless, it was fun to think about "Calvin and Meg's Fun Day!" in place of the formal reception that we've got planned.

What does your "alternative universe" reception look like?

The choice is yours....

I must confess- I'm a political junkie.

Not only do I watch the returns for the US presidential primaries come in (on CNN online, since Calvin and I have the most basic cable package ever), but I have watched ::ahem:: caucusing on ::cough cough:: C-SPAN. (That's what happens when you get 10 or so like minded grad students in the room. We're surprisingly apolitical, and spend more time analyzing the analysis- "That's what the polls say, but are they looking at likely voters? In what states? What's the margin of error?"- than we do about rooting for the victory of one candidate over another.)

Needless to say, I am very interested in the results of "Super Tuesday", or if you will, "Super Duper Tuesday." And I'm all for getting people out to vote.

But Brides Decide? Um, no. It just doesn't make sense to me to view "brides" as a specific demographic within the electorate. Gender, race and income- those demographics make sense. But getting married? I see no common thread at all between women getting married, except that they are women.

While the site has some information about the candidates (as well as some wedding pictures; noticeably absent are Barack Obama and John McCain), it just strikes me as, well, a little bit silly. Why would I turn to Brides Decide when I could check out CNN or the New York Times?

And I really disagree with their advice to pay attention to the articles and polls dealing with issues "concerning women voters." First of all, while some issues are often considered women's issues (such as abortion), the ones that the article cites are the war in Iraq, healthcare, and taxes. Last time I checked, those issues were gender neutral.

I don't buy the whole "Bride Decide" thing. But I am incredibly fascinated by politics. So:

Is there anyone else out there more interested in the latest political analysis than invitation colors? (And anyone have any predictions for Super Tuesday?)

Honeymoon (and trip) planning tips

Calvin and I planned our honeymoon without the help of a travel agent. I'm definitely DIY when it comes to travel, and this was no different. (I've used a travel agent once. It was fine. But I could have just as easily done it myself.)

Planning this trip was different from the other trips that I've planned for a number of reasons. First, while we were concerned about price, we were also concerned about service (especially for the 18+ hour flight to Bali!) We booked our flights through Singapore Airways, because we have both heard really good things about their service (and food!) Since the flights are so long, we looked at seat guru to help us pick our seats. Not that we were willing to spend any amount of money (I did keep an eye on prices for several months), but if you are traveling that long, it can be nice to have the better service. Tip: The airline may not tell you what model the plane is when you book, but by comparing the airline's seat diagram with seat guru's, you can get a pretty good idea.

Another airline tip: Many airlines (especially foreign airlines) will let you do a stopover for free at their largest hub. We're stopping in Singapore without any additional cost.

All of our hotels were found using tripadvisor. Whenever we travel, we check out TA for reviews of potential hotels, and have yet to be misdirected. Naturally, that was our key resource for hotels for the honeymoon. Tip: The fairly recently redesigned site is much better at making it available, but definitely be sure to check out the specialty lodging/B&Bs tabs on the site, if you are looking to stay at smaller, locally owned places.



Finally, I've found tripadvisor's travel forums to be especially helpful when looking for a more general view of things to do in a particular location. Tip: Like most any online message board, take what is written with a grain of salt. Try to find a couple of people who seem to have similar interests and views on traveling; their suggestions will be the most useful. When my mom and I traveled to Playa del Carmen, I avoided the advice of people staying at large, all-inclusive resorts, since we prefer to stay at smaller, boutique hotels and explore the local restaurant scene. At the advice of a couple of other people with similar travel preferences, we were directed to an absolutely amazing restaurant off the strip that was completely authentic Mexican.

If you have other travel planning trips, please share them!

Calling it quits over a name?

Now, I've blogged before about how I'm not changing my name- and this decision is one that Calvin 100% completely supports.

(What I have not blogged about extensively is that I actually do follow celebrity gossip).

I know that others have different opinions about name changing, but this, for me, is extreme. According to E! Online's Marc Malkin, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have called it quits over her refusal to change her name.

Murphy and Edmonds in presumably happier times.

According to a source, "“He was insisting she change her name. It was a huge issue. They were arguing about it before they left for the wedding.”

I know from discussion on Weddingbee and elsewhere that name changing can be extremely contentious, and that grooms often feel very strongly about this.

How does you groom feel about you changing or keeping your name? Did you consider his feelings when making your decision?

To read or not to read

This may have come through in my last post regarding a certain article in a certain magazine, but just in case there was any ambiguity-

I don't really like bridal magazines. Yes, that even includes you:

Image found here.

I just don't get it. Nearly all of the information found in the magazines is available online- even the projects that aren't officially published find their way into the blogosphere. I must confess that I have purchased a few magazines (3 in total; two Martha Stewart and one Bride and Bloom- the latter which actually had very few ads), but haven't really found them to be particularly useful or inspiring.

Maybe this is because of the non-traditional nature of much of our wedding day. No need to worry about the veil, since I'm wearing my mom's; no need to worry about cake since we aren't having it. Poofy dresses were never really my style, and the bridesmaid dresses are from J Crew, so that right there eliminates 90% of the magazine.

I can't count the number of times that I have picked up a bridal mag, only to put it down, trembling in fear, and reached for the nearest Vogue instead- although it has just as many (or even more!) ads, the photographs are much more stimulating.

I'm a DIY kind of gal for a lot of things, but so many items in the magazines are really expensive, and that just doesn't fly with me. I'm also pretty against a lot of the "wedding industrial complex", which means that if a company advertises items that are absolutely necessary for getting married, it makes me want to run away as fast as my heads, waving my hands and shrieking in fear. For a translation:

Items like this:

If you must, inflatable wedding arch available purchase here; originally spotted here.

Make me want to do this:

Original images found here and here.

Seriously. Does anyone else feel this way?

Wedding Identity Theft?

I have a confession to make.

I don't really like bridal magazines.

In a place where Martha is revered for her creativity, I just haven't been able to get that into it. Over the course of our engagement thus far (it's been almost a year!) I have purchased a grand total of three magazines: 2 Martha Stewart Weddings, and one Bride and Bloom. I must confess that despite the over the top nature of the Bride and Bloom, it is filled with tons of pretty pictures and hardly any advertisements.

When Calvin and I registered at Macy's, they gave me a free subscription to Modern Bride. (Why me and not Calvin? Well, according to Macy's (sexist) policies, I'm the "primary" person on the registry, despite the fact that we put Calvin down as the primary person. I guess they figure that having two X chromosomes better qualifies me for wedding planning.)

Never one to turn down an opportunity to look at pretty pictures for free, I accepted the offer, and my first issue of Modern Bride arrived at my doorstep today. (Note: this is the Feb/Mar issue; never mind the fact that it is the beginning of December.)

It contains some true gems:
"High-glam gowns with dramatic details and just enough flash ensure a wedding-day look that's remarkably radiant." Because you won't look radiant enough on your wedding day unless you have a blinged out gown.

"When honeymooning in a fabulous locale, you need sunglasses to match." Um, no, you don't. $10 Target sunglasses will work just fine, provided that they offer the right UV protection.

And then there was this:
"Wedding Identity Theft: Copycat brides are stealing ideas from those close to them. Is it a compliment- or criminal? And how can you protect yourself in a sea of sameness?"

In my mind, this is absolutely ridiculous. If you see an idea on a website or bridal magazine, and you do it for your wedding, and people like it, why is it wrong for someone else to do the same or similar thing? I honestly believe that there is no such thing as "wedding identity theft." (Well, except maybe in the case of someone else pretending to be you meeting all of your vendors and showing up on your wedding day wearing a white dress. But that would be wedding theft, not wedding identity theft.)

Weddings are steeped in tradition, which is why so many brides have bridesmaids, wear a white dress and veil, cut a cake and have a first dance. As a victim of plagiarism (I had some of my own work published under someone else's names), I am acutely aware of the problems with stealing someone else's work. But using the same save-the-date magnets that someone else did isn't plagiarism. You can be inspired, you can borrow, and you can even downright copy someone else's look- but imitation truly is the greatest form of flattery, and it certainly isn't "wedding identity theft." True identity theft can wreck havoc on your finances that can take years to sort out. "

It is quite possible though that others disagree with me. What are your thoughts about "wedding identity theft?"

Weekend away

Things have been pretty hectic for Calvin and I over the past couple of weeks. Not only are the holidays quickly approaching, but so is the end of the semester- for me and my students. Which means that not only do I have papers to write, but I'm also spending quite a bit of time helping students with their papers, reading drafts and the like, before I find myself under a pile of papers to grade. Not to mention final exams.

Needless to say, between the school work, the impending holidays, and the busyness that is wedding planning (seriously, who knew that it would take so much time?), we haven't taken a whole lot of time for ourselves.

My parents suggested last week that we go up to their cottage on Lake Erie for the weekend. We could get away for a bit, and my parents could come up for Saturday afternoon for the game. (I may live in Michigan, but I bleed Scarlet and Gray. I always go back to my people for the game.)

My dad and I in Columbus last year for the game.

But the important thing was that Calvin and I really got a chance to spend some quality time together. Since the cottage lacks internet access, we didn't whittle away the time browsing the web, and instead talked, laughed, played games and explored the area. All the things that we really like to do, but haven't done recently because we have been so busy. We returned home yesterday afternoon feeling greatly revived, both individually and as a couple, and are ready to tackle all of the various things that need to be done between now and Christmas. Both of us agreed that we really needed this past weekend to reconnect and remember why we're getting married in the first place.

What are you doing to recuperate from wedding planning and all of the other stresses of life at this time of year?

Family momentos.

When I first got engaged, my mom and I spent an hour or two looking over various items that she had saved from their engagement and wedding. I saw the headpiece that my great-grandmother, grandmother and mother wore in their respective weddings, and tried on my mother's wedding dress. I also looked at my parents' wedding programs, saw their customized cocktail napkins, and a few of the cards they received.

Something else that my mom showed me was a Brides magazine that my dad bought her when they got engaged- she said it was so weird for her to be engaged, she couldn't actually buy a magazine herself. (Which I understand. I've bought a grand total of three wedding magazines in the the 8+ months we have been engaged.) And then my mom gave me this:


Your Wedding, by Blanche Wheeler.

Published in 1941, Your Wedding is basically an indispensable guide to wedding planning- or at least one of my mom's closest friends at the time thought so.* You see, my mom's friend felt that not only was it helpful, she actually took the time to highlight the really important details that my mom might overlook. Details such as: (the highlighted sections are written in italics.)

"A 'thank you note' should be sincere and informal and written on the best of note paper. It need not be long:

Dear Jane--
The beautiful breakfast set you so thoughtfully selected for John and me is one of our most cherished gifts. One of the nicest things about it is every single morning, rain or shine, we shall enjoy using it. And every time we feast our eyes on its lovely color and design, you shall be in our thoughts. We both do thank you so much and won't you drop in some Sunday morning and have breakfast with us?
Sincerely,
Margaret."

or

"Gift Suggestions for the ushers:
Knife and chain
Smart cuff links
Silver or Gold Pencil
Silver bill clip"

or

"Duties of the best man:
Presenting the ring at the proper time
After the recessional, presenting the fee to the clergyman
Helping the groom change from his wedding clothes to his traveling clothes"

:-P I thought all of this was really funny.

But it also got me thinking about what sorts of memoirs I might have to pass along to a daughter or son who is getting married. Calvin's mom showed me the hat that she wore when she got married. (Sidenote: Calvin's parents got married by Dennis Kucinich, who was at that point in time the mayor of Cleveland.) This blog is more of a record than anything else I can think of that I might have to pass along, since it is chronicling my thoughts and reflections about getting married. Yes, the shoes and dress and all of those components of the wedding, but also contained in these pages are some of my thoughts about getting married. When the wedding has passed, I'd like to somehow print out these pages so that one day, I can share them with a son or daughter.

How are you keeping a record of things for posterity or future children?

*My mom's friend got her this as a joke.

"So how's the wedding planning?"

One of the things that I like least about wedding planning is when people ask me, "How's the wedding planning going?" I know that people mean well, but there are a couple of things about it that makes me uncomfortable.

First, the question is almost exclusively aimed at me, although Calvin is playing an equal role in the process. That bothers me.

The second is that I'm just not that comfortable with talking about weddings with people in real life. My typical response is to shrug my shoulders and say something like, "It's going...I think." Maybe I feel that people are just trying to be polite and I don't want to talk their ears off about, oh, whether my dress should be ivory or diamond white? As much as I can get into the details of wedding planning, since I'm an organizer by nature, some of the stuff I really don't care about, and it is hard for me to believe that friends and family who are not intimately involved in the wedding process actually care about these things.

I'm so concerned about not being (or at least appearing) as a crazy obsessed bride that I don't have any idea how to actually talk about wedding planning. I'm the first of any of my close friends to get married, and I'm just not sure how to handle the social interactions part. Blogging and participating in online communities is my primary outlet for wedding things- so when with my friends, I would much rather talk about my research or a new movie than about the color of tablecloths.

Does anyone else feel this way? And does anyone have any suggestions about a better response to "So, how's the wedding planning?"